Notes & Photographs

Rachel. 21. Central California.

I found something that I wrote a little over a year ago. Here it is.

Jeepers I am so sleepy. Totally beside the point. What is it with professional clothes being so uncomfortable? Jeez it’s super annoying. No, this is not my topic for today.

Her daily mask is removed for the few moments in the morning when she looks into the mirror and recites, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” In her head it always replies, “Not you my dear. You are much too short, and look at your skin. You need to take care of that. It’s no wonder boys don’t like you.” After those few short moments, she puts the mask back on. She can’t help but feel as if she is doing the world a favor. The saddest part is that she is not the only one who is afraid of being truly herself. No, I am not saying that it is just females who feel this way…I am saying that anyone can feel this feeling of self-doubt.

I never understood why we are never comfortable with ourselves. I say that because yes, I have felt awkward before. I have been self-conscience. I have felt ugly. It’s a shitty feeling. My life doesn’t make it better because I am an identical twin and my sister has always been dubbed “the pretty one” whereas I am “the smart one”. Are people really that shallow that they have to label who is pretty and who is not? It’s just as bad on our side because we feel like we need this reassurance that we are physically appealing. It’s bullshit. I don’t know, I am more of a person who looks at the attitude of a person. Oh well that’s just something an ugly person says. Well you know what? Fuck you inner demons. Seriously, you shouldn’t control me as a person or anyone for that matter. You are an insecure little bitch who deserves to be locked up in a pitch black room where your ego can’t enjoy a looking glass.  Okay?

So, aside from me arguing with myself…. You should hear me when I get talking to my alter ego, crazy shizz. Hold on, *takes off jacket*. God damn, that thing was choking me. Something I want to do (when I can) is to go to middle schools and high schools and have something like Break the Barriers. If you have never heard of it, it’s this great program that lasts one day and it brings people closer together and helps them to try to get over insecurities. At the end of the day, there are a lot of hugs and a lot of crying. I want the day to be about our insecurities and how to love and accept ourselves for who we are. It upsets me so much when there are these gorgeous women who think that they are ugly until they have to be a certain way or dress a certain style.

It’s not just the teens though; I see it even in the women I work with. They are on specific diets, or they eat just crackers all day. Some even forget to eat. We really need to just stop this nonsense.

All of this is why I joined the Love Your Body campaign.  I feel that we need to let our inner beauty shine more; if we do that, then people will see the outer beauty too.

Who wants to take a stand with me and prove that the only thing ugly about us is our inner demon?

First week of school: DONE!

It was great! I love all of my classes and now I’m going to be a hermit for a while because I have to read the first 2 chapters in each of my textbooks and try to retain the information for Bio, Psych, and Soc. <3 all of you guys.

Now to be a hermit. :P

Rachel <3

Back from Day 1 out of 2 of new semester.

Honors Biology:

The Biology teacher is letting me in his class which is awesome. I knew two of the people (one from jr high the other from high school) which is okay I guess. Neither are people that I was ever particularly close to. There are 14 students in my class (we just need 1 more person). Half of the students are first semester students who treat it like high school and the other half are super chill 2nd year students. I had my 2 hour lab then 1 hour break and then a 1 hour lecture. Nice, chill class. It’s one that I’m really looking forward to. I’m also trying for the colloquial biology class that he (my professor) mentioned, but that doesn’t start up until October. 


They messed it up and put me in the non-transfer units for the class and I got that fixed. My teacher seems nice. He’s described himself as a trained Marxist and talked about the sociology of a cup of coffee. The students: there are about 120-175 students in the class and they vary in age. The only part I really didn’t like was how the room smelled all perfumed and that screwed around with my allergies so now I have a headache. Otherwise, I can’t really argue with a 50 minute class.

Tomorrow I have P.E. and Psychology. I hope that it goes well too. Hopefully, it’s not as hot…I mean, my body does not hold up well with these 100+ days anymore.

Rachel <3

I’ve just realized that I have less than 36 hours until I start school. Where the fuck did my summer go?

Good morning beautiful world!

I have a busy morning today! My parents are coming over to drop off my dog (because I’m house sitting again, it just means that I have to sleep on the couch bed and I don’t like that). I’m going to a knit/crochet a long where I will work on my granny square blanket (I’m on row 3 out of 10!). :) 

I’m also trying to figure out this pattern: 

I found it on this blog: 

I just got into the blog yesterday and it’s pretty awesome. Not gonna lie. I did like the small flower pattern for that post too.

I’m trying out that pattern with a heavier yarn because I’m at a very low amount of crochet thread and will have to wait until I pay off school funds to buy yarn. Boo school funds. Hopefully they let me rent my textbooks.

Dear anyone (really, because it applies to both sexes),

Sending someone you don’t know a friend request on Facebook does NOT count as a way to get them to like you. It’s creepy! And annoying. Especially when you email them something like “Hey, your cute. (purposely using the wrong “your/you’re” because that’s what they put) We should hang out sometime. I’m friends with ______________ (Not using their names)” Yada yada yada. 

Now, I have to text one of my friends to see if the Facebook person is creepy or not. And if you’re going to try to add someone- LET US BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR FRIGGIN’ FACE! I don’t want some random ass picture of an anime character because chances are, you might be a creeper who will try to get me to join some cult (or your really bad D&D party. 4.0, really? I grew up on 2.0. ugh.).

On the other hand, if it’s someone that I have been talking to for a while (like some of you lovely people) then it’s okay to add me on Facebook because I’m pretty sure that you’re not a creepy 40 year old man who lives in his mother’s basement. People still have basements? It’s not a Central California thing.

Enough ranting. Have a lovely Monday. :)

Rachel <3

Now to be someone adult and exercise.

No….it’s not because I don’t like my body. I do happen to like my body (hard not to when you’re raised nudist). It’s more of an “I don’t want to look like a dipstick when I start P.E. in August” kind of thing. That, and I want to be strong enough for pole fitness…..which I miss dearly. The only part I don’t like is how people act like I’m going to become an exotic dancer by doing pole fitness and then tease me about it. So I want to be strong/ fit? Is that your business? No….

I do wish that I had a pole though, the ceiling fan in my room doesn’t help though………. :P

Mmmkay then. Let’s see how sore I will be. Later lovelies.